The Story
RED FLAG ALERT: Have You Seen Any?
“She won’t respond to my messages, I know she wants to be with me… I know where to find her.”
Chances are you’ve seen a poster saying something like this around campus. Being the astute William and Mary student you are, you may have also seen students walking around with red bands on their wrists. What you might not know is that they are both part of the Red Flag Campaign. The goal of the campaign is to raise awareness for violence, emotional and physical abuse in romantic relationships. The point is for students to see the posters or wristbands and become aware that abuse doesn’t stop with the DTR that makes two people exclusive and that the signs of abuse are more prevalent than people might think.
The campaign, which operates on some 43 college campuses, is a project of the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance, a coalition of sexual and domestic violence agencies in Virginia. It was designed by college students for college students, with the help of college personnel and community victim advocates. Funded by the Verizon Foundation, it’s sold to colleges both inside and outside of Virginia.
But what are the red flags of relationship abuse? The poster series that has become so present around campus visits issues such as emotional abuse, jealousy, isolation, coercion and stalking. A visit to the Red Flag Campaign’s Web site produces a laundry list of questions and cues that can help identify abuse in a relationship. This list includes everything from your partner accusing you of flirting or cheating, to not letting you hang out with friends, to making you feel unworthy; these troubling signs can point to a larger problem.
The goal of the program is to get students thinking about what these warning signs are and how to talk to a friend who might be experiencing them.
Trisha Hunsaker, sexual assault educator for the College, says that the warning signs of relationship abuse are often difficult to discern: “[They are the] hardest forms of abuse to recognize and confront because they are often subtle and progress from behaviors that don’t seem harmful initially.”
She cites freshmen who start dating and naturally want to spend time together as an example. As they continue dating, however, this desire to be with the other person can turn into an issue of unhealthy possessiveness or jealousy. But since these warning signs have progressed slowly over the course of months, the couple and their friends might not notice how serious it has become. This has additional ramifications if the couple cuts themselves off from their friends completely, severing the support network that is so vital during the college years.
To help students spot these red flags, the Campaign has set up charts of continuums of abuse, split up into emotional, physical and sexual abuse patterns. These range from the benign all the way to the most serious of domestic and sexual crimes.
For example, the continuum involving emotional and psychological abuse starts off with your partner poking fun at certain habits you may have and works its way up past yelling and blaming to restricting social contact and physical abuse. This is not to say that any couple exhibiting any one of these signs is displaying all of them, or even that they are in a completely unhealthy relationship - it is merely something to watch out for and talk about with your friends.
While the Red Flag Campaign focuses on a variety of relationship issues, one was given special emphasis this year. The issue of stalking has become increasingly more common and more serious in recent years on college campuses. Many students have been victims of stalking behavior without really knowing what it was, and it has been the goal of the Red Flag Campaign and the office of sexual assault services to make students more aware of what they’re up against.
People might think that stalking is reserved for the creeper who follows people home or the person who constantly texts someone, demanding to know where he or she is. The truth is that both of those are forms of stalking, and there is a wide range of behaviors that constitute it. Stalking is lumped into the greater umbrella term of dating violence; it is a real issue that can negatively impact one or both people in the relationship. The NACHA survey conducted on campus last year found that 83.1 percent of stalking behavior goes unreported.
It has even made its way into popular vernacular. The term “Facebook stalking” has become a common term on campus and is now taken to mean anyone who uses the site to find out about someone else. According to Hunsaker, this term belittles the actual danger of stalking and encourages people to normalize what could actually be a real threat to a person’s safety.
Even though stalking is a form of dating violence, many students believe that it is not possible within the context of a relationship. Hunsaker counters that stalking behavior does present itself in these situations, sometimes more severely than outside of it. If two people are dating and one texts the other incessantly about where he/she is, asking what is happening and with whom, that is considered stalking. The office of sexual assault services says, “if it makes you uncomfortable, then you should do something about it.”
It’s good advice considering seven percent of the students at William and Mary have been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past year.
If students are struggling with issues relating to sexual assault or dating violence, the good news is that there are myriad sources on campus to help. The first step - assuming no immediate crisis - should be William and Mary’s sexual assault Web site, www.wm.edu/sexualassault.
There, students can find resources like articles and quizzes that can help them identify problems, warning signs and solutions both within friendships and romantic relationships. If there is a crisis happening or the student feels uncomfortable in any way, he or she can always call SAPA at their 24-hour hotline (757-645-8367). If more help is needed, they may turn to their friends for help. A survey at William and Mary last semester revealed that 93.4 percent of stalking victims confided in someone about the issue - most often one of their friends.
Get educated on what you can do to help your friends, especially if you’ve seen a red flag in their relationship. The William and Mary counseling center has professionals who specialize in sexual assault and dating violence, and the office of sexual assault prevention located in the Campus Center behind the fishbowl is a resource as well.
Hunsaker and other sexual assault prevention specialists agree that the worst thing to do is nothing. Students should be cognizant of stalking behavior, on Facebook or otherwise, because it can be an indicator of an even more serious problem. William and Mary prides itself on having a community of trust, a Tribe of members who look out for one another.
The most important thing is to act: say something.
This piece originally appeared in the December 2008 issue issue of The DoG Street Journal.