We were warned. Dining Services told us that the dining halls would be “flooded” with high school students.
But we didn’t listen.
Every year at around this time--with the leaves just beginning to fall and Thanksgiving break just around the corner--they come, like a cloud of locusts, to ravage our Sadler Center and its hinterland.
They conquer our Sadler Center in just three days, dressed in what can only be described as “Western business attire,” an obvious attempt to fool us into thinking they are refined college students.
In their native language, they mutter words unintelligible to the College public, words like “WMHSMUN” and “unmoderated caucus.”
They have an insatiable hunger for both food and entertainment. They swarm the Quizno’s restaurant in Lodge 1, the Students’ Exchange Convenience Store and the Sadler Center RFoC dining hall.
Dining Services prepared as well as it possibly could, serving extra pizzas at meals and stocking the ice cream bar with a greater number of toppings.
But the aftermath of the feeding was nearly destructive, with plates and trays left on tables, food on the floor and no Gummi Bears left for my daily vanilla ice cream sundae.
Equally disturbing is their tendency to flock in and around Lodge 1.
Rachel Becker (’11), an attendant at the SC Games Desk, didn’t expect her job to be so hard. After three weeks, this is her hardest day yet.
“These games are for William and Mary students only!” she shrieked as countless groups swarmed her to ask for pool cues, foosballs and Wii controllers.
“It’s crazy,” she said in an exclusive interview with the DSJ. “I can’t even focus long enough to work on this data entry for my psychology lab.”
The DSJ’s core team of social well-being analysts has given several specific recommendations for all College students in anticipation the situation getting worse.
First, all students are recommended to avoid certain areas of campus. The Sadler Center is an obvious hotbed for dangerous activity, with the dining hall serving as a central meeting zone and rooms upstairs being used to flesh out plans to destroy our College. But no Old Campus academic building is safe, as classrooms within are used by the most highly evolved members of this dangerous group.
Second, several well-intentioned students at the College have been brainwashed into helping this sub-group achieve domination. They can be found here, and should be avoided until the weekend concludes.
Third, if you do have to go to the Sadler Center, always carry on your person the following items, which can be used as diversions to give you time to escape: an ice cream cone, a cheese pizza, at least five High School Musical-themed Barbie dolls, a Fisher Price Counting Corn Popper and Rihanna’s newest CD Good Girl Gone Bad.
The infestation is rumored to be over by Sunday afternoon, but students are advised to exercise safety precautions until classes resume on Monday.
Jake Robert Nelson is the DSJ Opinions Editor. His views do not necessarily represent those of the entire staff.
