The Story
Another Tumultuous Semester at the College
As most of you well know, the rest of your time at the College during the 2004 calendar year will be spent crudely swilling Red Bull in Swem Library, scoring ‘pep’ pills from that shady guy who hangs out in the Daily Grind, and fraternizing with the other over-worked (and drastically underpaid) students as you chain-smoke on the freezing cold steps of some random academic building and/or Swem. All the while, you’ll be frantically preparing for your next three-hour long final that will seem to last longer than Ron Jeremy on Viagra.
In the brief pause before the metaphorical ‘shit hits the fan,’ then, I would like to take the opportunity to reflect on the memorable events that have occurred since August 25th (The first day of school. I know, it seems like just yesterday, doesn’t it? Okay fine. It doesn’t. It seems like an eternity.)
Some kid fired a gun while at a W&M Halloween party. I just think it’s funny. For a while, it felt like Williamsburg was just like South-Central L.A. Then a cop gave me a parking ticket and reality set in again. Sigh.
The Red Sox won the World Series. And I didn’t care at all. Sure, I watched the lackluster seventh game of the ALCS with disinterest because I (like many of you) hate the Yankees, but my heart wasn’t in it at all thereafter. I suspect that very few of the people who went around touting their respective team colors really cared that much either: it was just another polarizing event, another chance to bicker with your friends over something that did not directly affect you. Which reminds me of another focal (and seemingly important) event that happened just a few weeks ago… Ah! I must seize upon this segue!
George Bush won the presidency. Again. And I cared a lot. I’m a Government major, so I’m supposed to care. I, like about 48% of you, was profoundly upset at his being re-elected because I hate the guy and I think he’s an idiot. But now that he’s won re-election, I haven’t really noticed any big differences to speak of (except an aura of general discontent amongst my left-leaning compadres). I mean, I haven’t been drafted against my will to fight in an all-out unilateral nuclear war with North Korea, my family’s not gone bankrupt, and I still haven’t had to build a bomb-shelter out of sheer necessity (knock on wood three times, please). All that squabbling with my friends about who was going to be a better foreign-policy choice and who was going to send our economy down the crapper… after staying up all night on November 2nd, tweaking out to the melodramatically-posted election results (and Dan Rather’s freakishly monotone voice), I found that absolutely nothing in my personal life has changed. Life goes on, I suppose. Maybe some kid starving in the Sudan cares a bit more than I…
The FaceBook came and altered the course of our lives forever. Many of you people have, no doubt, re-kindled long-lost romances and discovered a few new ones along the way due to this popular and still-growing website. These bolstering online relationships would have never metastasized were it not for our fine online polygamy-promoting stalking forum. All one needs to do is look around at the computer screens on the first floor of Swem and recognize the unparalleled effect this time-vacuum has had upon our quaint little campus.
In fact, I think I’ll take a break and check it right now.
Okay, I’m back. Where was I? Ah, yes.
A former student killed himself in Tucker room 206.
This is a very sad story with a lot of questions left unanswered for the general student population (thanks a ton, Mr. Sadler, for giving us just enough info to whet our appetites for real-life drama and intrigue and then cliff-hanging us in the end). These types of things tend to pique our collective curiosities, but I guess it’s just inappropriate to prod and ask questions in the instance of a suicide. The underlying lesson to be learned here is simple: don’t be an English major. You will go crazy--if you aren’t already crazy.
Our football team is really damn good.
And nobody seems to have noticed. Yeah, some of us have been at the games, valiantly cheering on our men in green and gold. But I’d be willing to bet that the attendance at the library rivaled that of the stadium on most of those Saturday afternoons. I have seen more people attend some 4-A high school playoff games in my years (given, these games were in Texas, but still). I guess I’ll just have to come to terms with it: we’re simply a school of nerds who never played football ourselves and thus harbor no interest for our Tribe’s football prowess. Half of us probably don’t even understand the rules. But we’d be glad to tell you all about the Hegemonic Stability Theory or outline the Phillips Curve for you… And besides, it’s not like the games were broadcasted on ESPN. Or even local T.V., for that matter. Or were they…? Oh, I guess they were. That’s news to me.
A lot of you spent time watching The Real World, Philadelphia and The O.C.
I never really watched The O.C. much, and somehow, I felt left out. I mean, I did try to watch one episode, but I was utterly appalled by it. After just ten minutes, I felt 50% uglier and 80% stupider. Wait, is stupider even a word? Ah well. I guess I might have cheated just a bit on that verbal section of my SAT. I did, however, get the chance to see some of The Real World, and I too was shocked that the big African-American guy turned out to be gay. That came out of nowhere… He sure had me fooled.
AT&T Wireless and Cingular Wireless merged.
I have no idea what this means. What-ever, I’m not a business major. All I know is that my cell-phone now says ‘Cingular’ instead of… Um… I forget what it used to say… Wait, what was I talking about again?
Well, that’s about all I can remember, or care to comment on. I mean, I suppose I could delve into all of that lovely Greek gossip… the flaming couches on unsuspecting doorsteps, the major drug-trafficking operations run out of dorm rooms, and the brutal hazing rituals involving beer (my goodness!!!) and door-handles… But I wouldn’t want to step on any toes. Nope, those toes need to be healthy and well-rested for tonight’s Beirut/Beer-Pong (yet another heated controversy that’s been polarizing this campus since the dawn of this semester) championship.
Well, that about does it for this semester. As I said, for all intents and purposes. If you need me, I’ll be the one in the corner of the third floor of Swem, taking caffeine intravenously, with wild, blood-shot eyes, desperately trying to avoid spasmodic, ‘No-Doze’ (“Safe as coffee!” It says it right here on the box. Yeah right)-related convulsions long enough to determine the difference between mitosis and meiosis…
Mark Hillinger is a staff columnist for the DSJ. His views do not necessarily represent those of the entire staff.